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I haven’t written about this topic previously because I thought it was my unique experience, but a recent text from a friend, who just went in-house this year, changed my mind. One perk of being in-house counsel is the affirmation that I am excellent at what I do.
Before you chalk this up to hubris, it’s helpful to contrast my experience in Biglaw.
When I was at a law firm, where I felt like the expectation was nothing less than perfection, my entire vibe, especially as a young lawyer, was “don’t mess up, you cannot mess up.” Rightly or wrongly, I felt like there was no room for mistakes, even small ones, if I wanted to continue receiving work from shareholders. Even when I performed well and achieved a good result for a client, I didn’t feel jubilation or pride or satisfaction. I simply felt relief — relief that I hadn’t messed up, relief that I didn’t feel bad, relief that I survived another day without getting found out that I didn’t know all the answers. Even when I received compliments from shareholders or clients, I couldn’t “feel” or enjoy them, my mind often already preoccupied with the next case or matter.
Does this sound like imposter syndrome? Maybe. It also probably didn’t help that the Biglaw environment felt deeply competitive, where associates felt like they had to outshine one another in billable hours or rainmaking in hopes of making partner one day. But importantly, when I transitioned in-house, this insecurity, this lack of confidence, this feeling of dread and that something was going to fall apart any minute — vanished.
In contrast, now that I’m in-house, I often find myself in a very engaged and fulfilling flow. I am intellectually stimulated and challenged; I am highly motivated to help my client solve their problem, and I feel like I’m a part of something bigger than just the one issue currently before me. When I receive compliments from colleagues or gratitude from clients, it affirms that I not only know what I’m doing, but I’m really good at it. And at least for me, that affirmation is priceless.
Meyling “Mey” Ly Ortiz is in-house at Toyota Motor North America. Her passions include mentoring, championing belonging, and a personal blog: TheMeybe.com. At home, you can find her doing her best to be a “fun” mom to a toddler and preschooler and chasing her best self on her Peloton. You can follow her on LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/meybe/). And you knew this was coming: her opinions are hers alone.
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